No healthy toddler can avoid going through the difficult
process of separation and individuation. You cannot stay with your child every
minute of every day and even if you could, that wouldn't take care of
everything. Separation anxiety stems from the conflict between your child's
urge for independence and her need for security.
You can't make that conflict go away no matter what you do. But you can help your child in her struggle with that conflict.
You can't make that conflict go away no matter what you do. But you can help your child in her struggle with that conflict.
First of all, try not to get annoyed by your toddler's whining
and clinging. Instead, take it as a compliment. If you had failed to form a
warm and loving relationship with your child, she probably wouldn't care if you
left. So bear with the tears and tantrums. The fact that your toddler makes
such a fuss when you leave shows that she loves you.
Probably the most important thing you can do to ease your
child's anxiety about separation is to offer her a balance between freedom and
security. Independence springs from the combination of these two conditions:
having the opportunity to venture off on one's own and feeling safe enough to
do it.
If you increase your toddler's freedom but deny her a sense
of security, your child, filled with anxiety, will flounder. (So don't just
leave your toddler alone in her room for extended periods of time thinking it
will make her more independent. It won't.)
On the other hand, if you provide your child with plenty of
security but little freedom, your child will likely become either extremely
timid or very rebellious. Either way, you will transform your child's struggle
for eventual and inevitable independence into a hard-fought battle.
Because neither freedom nor security alone will facilitate
your child's independence, you need to strive for a balance between the two:
Try to be there for your child whenever he needs you. You're
still the "home base." Whenever your toddler asks for it, he needs to
know that you will give him the security he needs. This knowledge will in turn
bolster your child's courage to venture out independently.
At the same time, provide your toddler with safe
environments that allow him almost free reign.
When separation anxiety seems particularly painful for your
child, pamper him to help him feel more secure. Your toddler may need a little
babying, which is fine as long as it doesn't go on forever. Treat him just as
you would if he were sick: Shower him with extra attention and care.
Your toddler's anxiety may lead to nightmares or sleep
disturbances-especially the obvious one of not being able to get to sleep
without you in the room, preferably holding him. He may kick and scream and cry
for hours if you leave him alone in his crib. If so, give yourself permission
to sit beside him until he falls asleep; do this for a week or so. Then, as his
anxiety begins to wane a bit, gradually return to the sleep routines that allow
you more freedom of movement.
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