Cosmopolitan:"The 4 things I had to give up to save my marriage."

"I watched my husband throw a bag over his shoulder and walk out the door, testing what life would be like apart."

When people tell you that marriage is hard, you think they're talking about arguments over the dishwasher and dirty socks. You know there'll be sleepless nights with newborns and maybe you even imagine one of you getting sick and needing care.

What you don't imagine is being in a marriage that's hard because you screwed it up.

Well, I've been there. I've watched my husband throw a bag over his shoulder and walk out the door, testing what life would be like apart. But we were both out the door, emotionally, for years before that moment.

When we met, I saw my future children in Ivan's eyes, and could imagine a front porch on an old house where we'd sit in rocking chairs when we were old. Then we were hit by mortgages and unemployment and debts and death and years of sleepless nights and all the other things life throws at people.

And then it was just gone. Poof. The heart that was once melted by the mere sight of him was hard as stone. And so was his, I could feel it. He was like ice, and it crushed my heart even when it was at its hardest. I honestly thought I'd never feel that melting heart feeling again.

But I did. And I do.

When we met, I thought Ivan was too nice for me, so I didn't go out with him for at least a month. But once we went out, I was hooked. Nice is sexy, ladies. I moved in with him a few weeks later. Three months after that we were trying for a baby.

If someone had told me that someday I'd build a family that way, I'd say, "That's a terrible plan!" but it was the one we lived, and the one that built this little fortress that is our family. We had no real marriage skills, but all of the stresses a life together brings.

Ivan and I both grew up in chaos, and so we were me-first people to our core. Every year that we compromised for one another, we accumulated resentments. By year six, we were miserable, both of us acting like jerks to each other. Bad choices multiplied until the day we decided to split. We even told our families and friends we were breaking up.

But then I thought about my future, about Ivan coming to pick up our kids, and all I could think was, "I want to go, too!" Time in the car with my family is my happy place, seated next to my husband while he drives, music on the radio and his hand on my leg. In giving up our miserable relationship, we'd also be giving up the happiness we might have someday. I wasn't ready, and neither was he.

So we pulled it together by putting our relationship at the center of both of our lives. In some ways, this was a huge change, but it was accomplished by a series of mostly small ones.

Here are a few of the key changes we made, that may work for others, too:

1. Dump friends who don't want you to stay married.

Sorry, but that friend of yours who says, "He's no good for you, you'll be better off alone" is bad for you, and bad for your family. Unless your partner is abusive, if you're committed to fixing your relationship, you cannot have anyone in your life who trash-talks your partner.

Cultivate relationships with people who see what's good about your spouse, and hang out with other couples who are happy and successful.

2. Stop fighting about who has the harder job.

Nobody ever wins this fight. A couples therapist told us, "It's pointless. There's no winner—there are only ever losers in this conversation. You're both working hard. The end."

If you must re-negotiate chores, do it. But talk to your spouse about how you feel about your own workload, not how it compares to theirs.

3. Dial back your solitary activities and amp up the stuff you enjoy doing together.

My husband was a pretty avid motocross rider when we were first together, a sport that meant being gone for very long days or weekends, without the kids and me. It was very lonely, and just not a hobby I was ever going to take to.

I had a habit of diving into my computer at night, writing. This was very isolating for my husband. Neither of our hobbies were bad, but they were taking time away from our life together.

So we both gave up a little bit of the time we spent alone, and dedicated that to being together. We took day trips with the kids or found a sitter so we could take mountain bike rides. We made sure whatever we chose to do would be happy, so we could leave behind any resentment.

4. Say more nice things.

This seems so obvious, but it often takes a huge amount of effort. Dr. John Gottman suggests that happy marriages have a ratio of five good interactions to one bad one, and science backs that up.

So say nice things. Say them whenever they come to you, even if you're feeling resentful. Does he look good in that shirt? Tell him. Does she have a way with words that you really love? Say it out loud. Touch your spouse's arm or hand in a way they like. It makes a bigger difference than you could ever imagine.

All marriages are different, and so every fix is going to be different. One thing I know for sure is that fixing a relationship is a ton of work. But I also know that, for me, all that work was worth more than I could ever express.

Reference: Cosmopolitan