22 yr old Jess tells us
what it's like to have your intimate pictures shared with the world
Two years ago, I met George* through a mutual
friend. I had just come out of a three year relationship and my self-esteem was
a quite low. George quickly boosted my confidence, and he soon wanted
us to be exclusive.
Later, our relationship became long distance, so I
sent him a few intimate photos to keep the heat going while we were apart. I
did feel some niggling doubt when I pressed send, but I put
this down to having been hurt in my last relationship - things were different
with George.
But soon things took a turn for the
worse; George started to become possessive, and was constantly
demanding to know where I'd been and who I was with. He'd call me eight times a
day and get angry if I didn't answer.
I then heard from other people that he'd been
violent and abusive with his past girlfriends, so I decided to end
it. I did it in a public place in case he got aggressive, but didn't tell him
what I'd heard about him - I just said that things had got too intense and
I wasn't ready for it.
He insisted that he didn't like me that much anyway
and that I was just a bit of fun to sleep with (charming), but overall the
break-up was relatively drama-free. I didn't hear anything from him for a
month afterwards, so I was surprised when one of his friends messaged me.
George's friend said that George had posted the
private photos of me online, on a website where lots of people were posting
revenge porn. When I saw the photos, I felt physically sick. He was also
threatening to post a link to my Facebook profile.
Instantly I got in touch with him and asked
him why he'd done it. He just found it funny, and said that I was
"filth" and "deserved it". I begged him to take the
pictures down but he just replied with insults, adding to the picture posts
with details of my pleading messages to him, saying that it was his
responsibility to teach me a lesson.
I felt like there was nothing I could do. I was
constantly worrying about who'd seen the pictures, and I felt like I
couldn't trust anyone. Even though I was the one who'd been violated, I
blamed myself.
Yes, if I hadn't sent the pictures it wouldn't have
happened, but George was the one who decided to betray my trust. It wasn't
just a sex crime, it was an opportunity for George to assert more power and
control over me.
Although mutual friends acknowledged that he'd
overstepped the line, they insisted that "it wasn't too bad because I
looked really hot in the photos". So many people didn't realise that their
comments were further objectifying me, and by that point I just felt
dehumanised.
Strangers at uni told me they recognised me from
the images, and said whoever posted them was a "legend". It was humiliating,
and I started to worry about my career prospects.
I contacted the website but heard nothing back. I
went to the police for advice but was told "if they acted on the reports
of every young girl who'd experienced this, they wouldn't have time to
catch the real criminals". This was before revenge porn was made a specific criminal offence.
They said there was nothing they could do until I
was actually being threatened. It was only when people started to comment
under the images saying how they'd rape me that the website took them
down. Initially I felt relieved, but I still live with the fear that someone
might have saved the pictures and could share them again.
My family never found out what had happened, but I
was terrified that they might just stumble across the pictures online. I
actually regret not saying anything to them, but at the time I was so convinced
that they'd just be disappointed.
I do feel like I'm fully over it now - but it still
takes a lot for me to trust someone. If this happens to you, don't let anyone
tell you you're to blame. It's not your fault in any way. Nobody has the right
to violate your privacy, or judge you for your behaviour.
*Name has been changed
Reference: cosmopolitan
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