It's Funny But Why Do Toddlers Really Bite And How Do You Respond To Them

Biting is a very common behavior among toddlers, which means there are a lot of concerned parents out there.  You are not alone.  The good news is that there is a lot that parents and caregivers can do to reduce and, ultimately, eliminate biting.

To set the stage for effectively addressing this challenge, avoid calling or thinking of your child as a “biter” and ask others not to use this term.  Labeling children can actually lead to them taking on the identity assigned to them, which can intensify biting behavior rather than eliminate it.    

Children bite in order to cope with a challenge or fulfill a need.  For example, your child may be biting to express a strong feeling (like frustration), communicate a need for personal space (maybe another child is standing too close) or to satisfy a need for oral stimulation.  Trying your best to understand the underlying cause of the biting will help you develop an effective response.  This makes it more likely that you will be successful in eliminating the behavior.

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What do I do when my toddler bites?

1. First, keep your own feelings in check.  When a toddler bites, you might feel frustrated, infuriated, annoyed, embarrassed, and/or worried.  All of these feelings are normal, but responding when you are in an intense emotional state is usually not a good idea.  So calm yourself before you respond—count to 10, take a deep breath, or do whatever works for you.
   
2. In a firm, matter-of-fact voice (but not angry or yelling), say:  No biting.  Biting hurts.  Comment on how the other child is feeling:  Look, Madison is crying.  She is crying because you bit her.  Biting hurts.  Keep it short, simple and clear.
   
3. Next, shift your attention to the child who was bitten.  Often when a child bites, adults pay a lot of attention to him or her.  This is usually negative attention, but it is still very reinforcing and can actually cause the biting behavior to continue, rather than stop.  When parents shift their focus and energy to the child who was bitten, they clearly communicate that biting does not result in more attention.  Showing concern and sympathy for the child who was bitten also teaches empathy. 
   
4. If your child is verbal and able to talk about his experiences, go back and talk with him about the different strategies he can use next time, instead of biting:  If Tyler grabs your cuddly and won’t let it go, you can say:  “Tyler, that is my cuddly.  Give it to me.”  If he won’t give it back, you can come get me and I will help you.  Or: When you want to play, you can say: “Will you play with me?” Then your friend knows you are ready to play. 
5. Help the children move on.  Ask:  What would you like to play now?  It might help to offer activities, like play-dough, drawing, or playing in sand or water, that allow them to release energy in constructive ways and can help them relax.   The toddler who bit and the child who was hurt should not be made to play with one another, unless they want to.

Remember, learning a new behavior takes time.  Your toddler may bite again, so continue watching playtime closely.  It also helps to use the same words (No biting.  Biting hurts.) as consistently as possible to emphasize the message.

By Zero To Three