So Why Do Some Children Ask For Advice A Lot More Often Than Others When In Emotional Distress?

A child who has developed a consistent pattern of needing someone else's advice when emotions are on the line, needs a vote of confidence from others. Parents who are wanting to help their children rediscover self-reliance and self-trust can begin by implementing the following steps:


1. Share with the child your new insights and promise to listen with no commentary next time. (They will love it!) Be honest and real. You are learning.

2. When the child once again expresses the dependency that has become a habit and asks you what to do, respond with the question, "What do you think?" Validate with, "I am sure you can come up with a solution," or "This is a tough situation - take your time."

3. If the child looks too numb or confused, he may have lost temporarily his confidence to generate his own solutions. You can help with an encouraging statement like "You know best", or, "You can trust yourself". If still unresolved for a long time, offer a few possibilities, ending with "and you may have another better idea".

4. When resorting to giving advice, you can utilize some important strategies: Offer a few ideas, appearing unattached to any of them. Let the child know that she may have a better idea and she should do only what she feels is right. Be short and simple, avoiding lectures. Speak positively about solutions without offering judgments.

5. Gradually give less and less advice and more and more votes of confidence in your child's ability and rightness.

6. When your refusal to give advice brings on crying or a tantrum, validate the feelings with something like: "You wanted me to come up with the solution, and you feel deserted and helpless. I love you and I know you are capable ... I do know that you know what to do. You may feel helpless and incapable now, but you will find an answer." Primarily - listen. The crying will do a lot of good toward restoring your child's self-reliance. Once crying ceases, the quietness that follows can often help your child realize internal answers.

7. In a happy neutral time, talk with your child about how she likes to be responded to when upset, and get clear on any new rules she may want to establish. Do this a few times between occurrences of upset but not while things are stirring.

These rules cannot be followed rigidly. We need to be compassionate and responsive. We need not withhold support when our child seems unready to come up with her own solution. As we offer her more opportunities for self-reliance, we need to observe and respond to her cues of readiness as well. We cannot force a child to become emotionally self-reliant. Sometimes it is compassionate to free the child from the dependency on our advice; other times it is compassionate to yield to their dependency on our advice.

Once you have succeeded in helping your child break the habit of dependency - and recovered from your habit of jumping to his rescue with advice - become a curious and respectful listener. Not only your child's emotional well being and behavior improve - so will yours. Remember, emotions are never wrong; all feelings are undeniable, real and right. Circumstances and actions may need to change, but what one is feeling deserves to be heard and acknowledged.